Saturday, October 8, 2011

The Untold

I didn’t know why I accept Deepak’s request, I should have politely refused saying my job in Chennai was of tight schedule and I had no time. But things get complicated as we grow up, it becomes harder to refuse to siblings especially when it is an elder brother, and when I don't want to cut off the the link. "Relations are like paper as days goes, even a mild touch can break them" that is my papa’s view and mine too. Also, it was a sensible and simple request, go meet Niranjan get something for his one year old child, convey my heartfelt condolences for his wife’s sudden demise, go back to the hotel room, pack and off to Trivandrum, so, my work in Chennai would be completed along with my brother’s wish to soothe his best pal. I accepted.

Niranjan was not just Deepak’s best pal, he was also our family friend, but that was before Niru got Medical seat, and Deepak didn’t, he was cursing the forward caste of ours which is forward name sake only. But I secretly feel that even if he was of different caste, he wouldn’t have secured a seat like Niranjan.
When Niru went to study in Chennai they shifted from Trivandrum to Chennai and thus ended the link between the families, it is always like that when there is only one strong link between the families and when that link itself is formed by kids and when the parents don't care much.
The boys still maintained the friendship but the distance between them was evident in the relation too, yet the news about his family always reached us, I got to know that his sister eloped with someone, I never thought that she had the guts for that. After few years, Niranjan got married, Deepak went for the wedding, but I couldn't, that was the time when Papa was very seriously ill. But then, when I heard that his wife died in a fatal car crash leaving him alone with their six months baby, I was devastated, but still I didn’t go.

Since 6 months have passed and as I am in Chennai now, I decided to call him, on my own account and heading to the pester of Deepu from Dubai, Niranjan said that he would pick me, I didn’t want to bother him, especially at this situation, I got the address and reached the stop, by bus, brushing aside his advice to get a three wheeler, I preferred to walk and I walked past the Ayappan temple and the park, that he mentioned as land marks.

Memories are tricky, they can remain subsided as long as they need but then on slightest provocation they brush off the dust and dance before us, with even the minutest detailing.

My hesitation to meet Niranjan was because of the pain in my heart which was unknown to anyone else, but me, the one sided passion I had towards him, for as long as I can remember, I don’t know when it started, do I sound cliché here?, but that is the truth.
Was it when his hands eased the pain in my knees when we played football, that my face would turn pink, on his each touch? Was it when I sat looking at him, during my math tuition? Or before that.. or after that.. I am not sure, but I felt it strongly, from those tender teen age, then it fell off somewhere as I grew up, I did fall for someone after that, but that never lasted, neither did the next one, and on each of those failures, his thoughts would accompany my passion and my lonely nights. As I walk towards his house I remember my first ever and only kiss with him.

In temple, on the days of ulsavam.. (utsav) we used to sit in the front row, to watch kathakali.. Duryodanavadam.. was my favourite.. the one in which Bheema devours and kills Duryodana and dussasana.. but the red-beard make up of dussasana was grotesque that I would adhere to who is near me, Deepu always pushes me away or scares me,  but Niranjan was on my side always, I never feared when I was with him, when the power went off in the midway, I could hear the howling from people protesting the power cut, I sat uptight, the light from the Diya, the makeup, the killing everything made me hold him harder and as his face lowered to assure me, I kissed him, I am still not sure why and where, but I guess it was between his eyes, he remained silent.. but his heart was racing, I was scared, I felt that I have misbehaved and before he could react I went running towards my parents and never met him eye to eye after that. No other passionate kiss was as beautiful as that momentary one, it still lingered in me, along with him and my unsaid feelings.

I have reached the foot of his apartment now, and he was waving from the 2nd floor, with little Lakshmi in his hand, the child clung on to me so very soon and was asleep in my hands, he was surprised, at least the kid knows me. He has matured a lot, his face was more serious, as I tried to correlate the short, thin sharp nosed, straight haired boy, with this man, his eyes studied me too, there was a note of admiration in his eyes, that told me that I have grown gracefully well, at least to his eyes.

I never touched upon his wife, I was not so idiotic to meet him and bluntly state my condolences, we talked about little Lakshmi, his practice, the nanny who comes to take care of the child, me, my life and so on. After lunch, as we sat leisurely in his sofa, I spotted a Kathakalli statue in the corner, my hands played around it, thinking of the stealthy kiss, I looked into his eyes for recognition. He looked at it and said, that was his wife’s favorite. I just watched, he spoke more, he spoke about her, her beauty, her goodness..
Death is the only thing that can make us, talk goodness and only goodness of others, and I saw love pouring not just in his words, but in his eyes too. I didn’t pacify him, I just sat there silent, my silence was not that of a compassionate listener, but he perceived it as compassion and spoke a lot I didn't correct him..

“Do you know Devi, she was.. she was simply amazing, but I on the other hand a complete idiot, never did I tell her how much I loved her, how much I needed her, how much I felt for her, I never told, I was rude, even on that day.. just before the acci   dent.. I I scolded her..”

“Niru please.. don’t break down, you have to compose yourself pleaseeee”

“You don’t understand Devi, the depth of my untold love, many a nights after that I sat in the bed room, hugging her pillow drenched with my salty tears, watching the star and I spoke to her, but if only there was one more day, I would have at least told her how much I felt for her.. This feeling.. this feeling of disgust I feel towards myself, for being a dumb.. , when I should have spoken.. this feeling makes me hate myself.. do you know the pain of untold love? I am sorry, how can you.. sorry Devi..”
We both remained silent.. at times silence heals, at times it pains, and it was more than pain to me, it was numbness.. 

You are right Niranjan.. I don't know how it feels...

P.S: This is purely FICTION!!

Kathakalli – Kerala based classical Indian dance drama

Duryodanavadam - A story depicting the killing of kaurava king Duryodana and Dussasana by Pandava king Bheema


  1. You are very good writer... I thought its your personal post until I saw last line :P

  2. Ha ha.. you are so quick..! thanks any way.. :P FICTION and FICTION only!

  3. Hmmm...not bad...altho I like happy endings better..:-)

  4. Absolutely loved it. At first i thought it was a page from real life, but "Devi" broke the myth :P Its so wonderfully written that it seems so real .. :)

  5. Loved it. I particularly liked little observations on life, people and behaviour that were embedded with the story. I felt the ending was too sudden, abrupt. The situation, emotions, pain, joy, uneasiness ... It left me wanting to read more.

  6. Fantastic KP
    I would say the best written of all your pieces!
    U have a long way to go dear.. Best Wishes

  7. why don't to write a novel!!! :) nice expression!
    i too thought its ur personal :P :D

  8. fiction or not...superb post...its been many days not visited ur blog...dont know y :(

  9. I am groping for words for that exact feeling this story has brought on me...I enjoyed every bit of it...the stealthily kiss scene...her untold love towards him...the story was a kind of growing within and reaching its peak towards the end! The last section is steeped in irony...the concluding line just shook my heart!

    One of your best fiction flakes!
    "Memories are tricky, they can remain subsided as long as they need but then on slightest provocation they brush off the dust and dance before us, with even the minutest detailing."...that line swept my feet off! Brilliant work sweet...keep are proving yourself by each post:-)

  10. Wonderful, KP...very well narrated

    A pity it is said to be fiction...I guess there are a few out there who have experienced the same...

    Do keep writing !!!

  11. Hey Harry - thank you..

    Hello Rahul - hmm.. Aw.. I can try to write a happy ending the next time..

    Hey adreamygal - Er.. I knew that it would be mistaken.. so gave a note.. thanks dear..

    Hi Sameera - It was abrupt, I knw, but i wanted it to be so.. glad u liked it.. feels good..

  12. Hello Pygma - My blog was waiting for you.. its cribbing like a child for ur comment.. and I guess its happy now..:) well I am.. thank you..

    Hi Sowmya - come on now.. me.. a novel.. he he.. u are just kidding.. :) thank you for liking it..

  13. Hey Sourabh - oh ya.. I didnt see u for long.. glad u came back.. :) and happy u liked it.. thank u for sharing my quote in FB.. cant express how I feel.. elated to the core..

    Hi Nasnin - Aw..! thanks dear.. its abrupt in the end as Sameera said, but i wanted to leave it like that..! good that I was able to strike a chord here..

    ha ha Fiction flakes :)

  14. Hello Arjun Mashe - ohhh... thank u.. Its Fiction.. but the feeling is hard.. and I can relate to that..

  15. You are amazing with fiction. Glad it never went over dramatic, just the right ingredients. Would love to read more of these short fictions. Ending was perfect.


  16. Hello Aakash - Long time.. ! :) though it is fiction I cant let it end like a fairy tale.. coz fiction and fact are related.. my fact could be ur fiction and someones fact, my fiction, so why glorify it.. thanks for the visit..

  17. Nicely written. :) I don't know how it feels. :)

  18. Ah! You do dont u.. thanks Juxta...!

  19. Superb KP! It was damn real, though I didn't really think it would be your story :)

    Your blog never disappoints :))

  20. Oh it been painful reading and typing out the comment from the mobile. I was travelling and couldn't resist but appreciate the awesome work. Well.. if you get a chance do read "Retrospection" short fiction by Shashi Deshpande- I am proud to say your work is comparable. It is that good.

  21. This is an awesome piece KP. The emotion and romance were blended perfectly :)

    Glad I read the PS note. Till the end I was thinking that it was your experience and thought of appreciating your romantic encounters :p But bhaam, it had a PS note.

    Seriously consider compiling all your short fictions into a book. Great going!!! :)

    PS: Sorry for my delayed response to your post. Was caught up with so many things!!

  22. Wonderful post. A binding story from start till the end and great narration.


  23. Hi Siddharth - well thanks for that.. Its not real at least not of people around me..
    and how come u felt that it wouldn't be mine?? good guess..!

    Hey Sameera - Oh dear.. I have read a few of her works, unfortunately not the one u said.. but come on.. don't make me proud and silly.. :)

  24. Hi Shanoj - thank you..:)

    Hello Anand - Better late than never.. (forgiving u this time.. :)
    Appreciating the encounter? u r cruel.. isnt it sad.. :( will think about making a book.. as of now i have my diary and happy with that..

    Hey Shrijeet - U have appeared after a long time.. thanks..!

  25. @KP: I mean appreciating the beginning of those romantic encounters and of course not the climax!! [so am not cruel :( ] :)

  26. Well done. Great lines, great dialog, and the complexities of life well represented. While it may be fiction, these things do happen -- isn't that what makes this so beautiful? As always, thanks.

  27. It was 'FIX'tion for me! I remained glued to my chair!
    Wonderful narration. Why don't you try weaving 3-4 lines of your poetry with wonderful narration. Just an idea. Since you are good with both.. If I May..

  28. I was thinking it was about your experience until I read the P.S :D
    Your writing style is just Awesome :)

  29. Oye Anand - I was just pulling ur leg.. chill pal! :) I like your reply's.. happy that you come back to a post twice.. pls don't stop that!

    Hello Life Unordinary - Long time no see..! Thanks... but its not personal.. its mere FICTION!!!

    Hi MJ - Aw.. thanks.. yes life is rude at times that every one has to go through this once in a while.. as always thank you too..!

  30. Hey Sahana - That is a nice idea.. I thought of writing this like a poem with a story at first but couldn't come up with one.. he he.. will see in my next one.. but you are so good.. gives an extra delight to read ur comments always..

    Hi Bagya - ha ha! gotcha.. :) thank you...