I grew up hearing the stories about Meera Bai, the one women who took devotion to the next level of blissful love. Her love and passion towards Lord Krishna has always fascinated me.. and also the thought of her always created a sadness in me..! Was her prayer answered? i wondered..
But this is not about her... this is about my Meera.. (who obviously got created in my head...) do read on and provide your feed backs... I really value them!!
The day started very late for me... I woke up and looked at the clock it was 8.. I needed to be in office by 9 30 minimum.. My mind kept debating for and against going to office on this Saturday... finally I voted against office.. I wanted to take a day’s off... I would sleep and watch TV I decided. My son Ameer came running into the room, he was wearing his uniform and sock in one leg, the other one was missing. He jumped on me and sat in my legs, "Dad... mom said you will drop me to school today, remember my ice cream which u promised yesterday.. I want it today.." He was jumping up and down...
I lifted him with my legs and swayed to and fro he giggled... I took him and walked towards the kitchen, “Mom would drop you today dear..? I have so much work in office...". "No dad no... I want to come in car I want to come with you.." he started to cry.. I took him in my hand and went to the kitchen; my wife Razia was busy... I saw the bread being toasted again... "Oh no not today also!" I told to my self... she looked up from her breakfast of bread toast and omelets and smiled... that was the only affectionate gesture I got from her in the past few months... This is the problem marrying a carrier oriented women... first she wanted to become a good lawyer and practice in high court ad now she wants to become famous like her father the retired district attorney... but I wont blame her.. there was no spark or love between us and we both knew it...
She looked tired and weary.. I asked, "You were up till mid night yesterday too..! I saw the lights in the hall..??" "Yes dear..! Today is the hearing of that murder case I took you last week about I was preparing for that..." "What murder case?” I wondered she never told me.... She continued without waiting for any reactions from me, "I need to be at the court a little early today, so u take the kid to the school and get him back by noon, its a holiday for you today right?" That was her sarcastic reply.. I looked at her, before I could reply she planted a kiss in Ameer’s cheeks and saying bye bye she left...
My plan to stay at home has been officially ruined now. But looking at Ameer's expecting and eager eyes I couldn’t say anything else... so after 15 minutes me and my son were driving to his school. It was the same school I studied, the education was good over there... I parked the car and dropped him in front of the gate.. He hesitated for a moment, then came back and said... "Dad don’t forget the ice cream". "Ameer bai.. Its a Deal" I replied... he ran inside happily.. I thought I would wait in the nearby park till his classes were completed, and there I Met Satish... my college mate after 8 yrs..We went to a nearby juice shop and sat there.. old age has started crawling slowly and his face showed the symptoms, he has few grey strands too.. He told me about his family..his wife and two kids.. his elder child is studying in the same school as my son and invited me to his house for the naming ceremony of his younger child.
I became jealous of him, his happiness and his family but I smiled and said that I would join but I had no slightest idea of going. The next 3 hrs went by happily. We spoke about our college days and teachers.. he seem to know a lot about any name I say.. what they do.. where they are.. married or not.. and so on. I had one name in my mind. But I couldn’t gather myself to ask him about her. The bell from the school announced us that the classes were finished. I took my son and gave a chocolate to Sathish's daughter and after I had fastened the seat belt for my son I went to the drivers side and waved at Satish. He waved back and said, "Hey don’t forget to come to my house next Sunday... and hey.. by the way... Meera is also coming...Remember her?" He winked and went with his child.
Mere mention of her name created many emotions in me. I sat in the ice cream parlor opposite to my son. He was munching his Chocó crunch with so much happiness. I closed my eyes, with in half a second her face filled my heart... Meera..my first Love..There was no big history behind Meera, she was my classmate she joined our class by the end of 2nd year, and in the whole of 2 yrs I have spoken to her very very rarely. I liked to look at her and that was what I did for the whole time. she looked better than a normal looking girl the proof is that there were 3 guys liking her, she was a fair, with curly locks moving effortlessly in her shoulders, she had black eyes and darker black eye lashes. But what attracted me the most was her big expressive eyes. One look at her eyes, I could tell what she feels... When compared to the other two guys in the class, I was the one with no hope, the other guys were her friends. But in 2yrs not even once I could gather my strength and ask her out or at least ask her to be my friend. But some times I get this feeling that her looks lingered around me at least for a fraction of sec or more.
Now, after this many years, I still felt the same way about her, I am confused, should I go to the function, what if she had forgotten me, or that she wouldn’t even recognize me, she might even be married. Some how the thought of seeing her married made me feel irritated, though I had no rights to feel bad...But what is the deal.. I am married now.. there is no hope.. and me hoping is a sin!!!
I thought a lot and finally I decided to go, at least to just see her . I dressed up and started to leave when Razia called out, "Hey Ish where are you going? I thought we would go out today and do some shopping!". I felt sudden pang of guilt in me.. I couldn’t look at her eyes.. I gathered my strength and looked up, "I am going out for official work Razia, will be back by 10" and walked off, she looked at me innocently and waved good bye.
By the time I reached his house the guilt was completely gone, it was just the excitement in seeing her stayed back in my heart. His house was sparkling with lights, and before entering the house in the mid of the lights I saw her, Meera.. she was she was wearing a blue sari and looked more stunning than at college. I felt the adrenalin rush in me. All of a sudden she turned around and her eyes met mine, we stayed there looking at each other for more than required. I saw a twinkle in her eyes and excitement as if she was longing to see me, or did I imagine it? before I could think more, she smiled at me and went inside. The ceremony went very well. I never got a chance to even see her again, all my friends were around me chatting busily about their high profile jobs, life and life styles have changed people I guess, I was irritated, partly by their show off and partly because I couldn’t talk to her or even see her.
I was about to start, when Nisha my friend came up and asked for a lift, along with her came Meera too. I dropped Nisha first and there was 15 minutes for me, with Meera. I felt like the same old college boy, all the feeling came rushing in me and suddenly I felt that words have deceived me, I said, "Hey... huh.. Meera, back then at class I had a great crush on you!" . I blundered even before I thought about it. She glanced at me and said, "I know". Till now I was in an assumption that she never knew. But she did, she knew it, yet never reacted even once. I looked bewildered at her and she smiled at me, I smiled back and the smile turned to be a laughter. We laughed hard. That was a wonderful 15 minutes I ever had. After that day, we ran up into each other many times at park, super market etc. A different kind of friendship started developing between us. I always knew that it was bad, but I never stopped seeing her again. But I wanted to know, just like a kid, I wanted to know what was in her mind about me, did she like me previously? what she felt now? .
So I asked her. She looked down for some time and looked back at me, 2 drops of tears lingered in her eye lashes. I was taken aback. She said, "I always did..! I waited for you to ask me out.. but you never did.. and now its very late.. and you are happily married.. yes you are married, what a girl am I to feel like this to a married person.. ..! she was musing to herself, and I waited for her to calm down, she spoke again, after few more seconds, "just tell me Ishaan, if u really loved me back? and what do you feel towards me now..". What followed was a confession from deep down my heart which I have not disclosed even to myself, "Meera, I liked you, more than anybody else, and in fact I like you still, probably more than that, I want to be with you, and make you the happiest girl, in the world, but unfortunately I cannot.. I am not that lucky..and even if I want to I have Aamir... understand me please.."
She gave a sheepish smile in between her tears At that moment I would have given up anything to wipe away her tears and run away with her, "But this is not a fairy tale.. its plain simple life... and it sucks.. I consoled her, we sat there silently for some time. I dropped her to her house in silence. I felt bad. There was mixed emotion erupting in me, I felt anger that I missed her in the first place, I felt sad that I hurt her this much, then there was guilt, pain, remorse and a part of me even enjoyed it, I felt happy when I am with her in spite of all this happenings.
We never met after that confession. There was an untold fear which retreated me from meeting her. One week went by with out any contacts, I tried being normal at home and office, but I felt a voidity in me, several times I took the phone to call her but I couldn’t even dial her number. I restricted myself for my heart was melting down at a faster pace towards her, and if I try to speak to her that would wipe out our life completely, so I never contacted her. I was in my office status meeting, when my phone vibrated.. I looked down.. it was Meera... that was the first time she called me after the dead silence of 5 days.. I excused myself..got up picking the phone and ran out.. my team mates might have felt that it was some emergency call... I went to the far corner of the front office, near the small water falls in the office and attended it.. "Hey Meera I am surprised..! tell me" I stammered.. She was silent for some time... "Hello! hello can u hear me Meera?" I asked again..
Finally she spoke.. later on I wished that she never would have spoke... as, that turned out to be our last conversation... "Hey Eshan.. I would like to talk to you..."
“Oh ok Meera.. do you want me to come to your office?" I quickly asked.
"No no..just.. just keep listening" she was loud and desperate...
"Oh ok.. calm down... my heart started to beat fast
"Esh.. just listen to what I am saying.. this would be the last time I am talking to you.. "
"No no…you don’t speak just listen please.." she continued
"What is it going on between us? why are we like this... I am scared.. Esh.. I am scared that I am being more vulnerable with you..! I am letting you know more about me, and that.. that is not good...we are crossing our limits.. what about our future.. ? and What about your wife and Aamir.. what mistake did they do... why should they also suffer... "
"Hmm" I let out a sign.. this was the topic I knew I needed to think but couldn’t..
After a very long pause, she continued.. "This is bad and should be stopped… try to understand your wife and live happily with her…..just live me alone Esh.. just stay away from me... I.. I.. I will miss you...Bye.."
I never met her again.. As of my life, Razia suddenly woke up to the fact that her married life is slipping, and resigned her job and lived as my beloved wife and as a caring mother to Aamir... Aamir called me the best dad, we were the happy family that every one dreamed of... But I tried a lot not to think of Meera, and every time I tried..... I thought more of her and that made my heart ache...