Monday, September 19, 2011

The Train

Giggling out loud and chattering like bunch of hungry birds, Mithra and Pauline boarded the train in a rainy evening on their way back home. They had a long way to go almost every day, out of which Mithra traveled more, the loneliness was overwhelming that she always clung on to Pauline who would be there to accompany at least for an hour, after which she would travel alone for half more hour until she would reach home tired and weary. They had nothing serious to chat, the topics were common and redundant, yet the girls enjoyed their journey back home every day.
Mithra was cursing her colleagues quite out loud when Pauline nudged her. Mithra panicked and looked around, to see no recognizable faces from office, except those familiar frames that she sees every day in train and never bothered to move up a level from a smile and a nod.  She looked questioningly at Pauline who was intensely eves dropping conversation of two ladies nearby. Mithra pinched her, she shushed back and listened more.

“You are starting to freak me out Poly..”
“Mithu just listen.. they are talking about that killer..”
“What killer?” Poly blinked in disbelief on Mithra’s ignorance
“Tell me what killer? What is this all about, just tell..”
“Mithu how you can be this unaware of such a serious issue.. Don’t you watch news?”
“Ya I do.. International and Sports..”
“I Bet! that news is going to help you, when he stalks you.”
“Huh..? er.. who?”
Poly calmed a bit, inward she enjoyed this attention, for the first time in her life, she knew something that Mithra doesn’t.
In a professionally superior manner Poly spoke, “There has been some spooky incidents occurring in the not so remote places of our city, there is a killer, and two victims in just two months, police doubt it to be a serial psychopathic killer in action.”
“Oh.. my.. I didn’t know that!, its really bad.. (Sigh) how do they know that it is a serial killing?”
Poly smiled grimly, “They both were killed in a same way with a sharp glass piece, on the same day… third day of a month”
“Poly! That is scary.. today is the 3rd day of this month..”
A sudden gasp, startled them both, they looked around to see a panic struck girls face, listening intently, they looked at each other and laughed. The new girl, was offended and moved to the far corner of the compartment, and sat there staring at them. Trying hard to stop laughing and panting in between, Mithra came up with a game to kill time, she looked around the ladies compartment they were sitting, which had a max of 20 people now and commented,
“Poly, lets just assume that the killer is a lady and is in this compartment.. Come on! don’t panic… lets play, You tell me, which one would be it?”
Poly hesitated for some time and said, “It would be that girl who walked away now..”
“Na! she is too scared.. she is a chicken! How about that lady.. no.. not that one.. the one to your side..”
As Poly looked at the side Mithra pointed, she saw a well build, slightly obese lady, staring fixedly at them. This was getting out of hand, she sensed trouble, all Poly could manage was a whisper a Why!. Mithra, unaware of the panic in Poly’s voice continued, “She looks well build to strangle a person, she looks moody and dangerous, like a perfect psychopath to me”.
“Enough Mithra I am literally scared now, stop it..” Mithra understood her friend’s mood and stopped talking. For the next few minutes, they listened to music from mobile. It was time for Poly to get down now.
“Ah..! its my stop, take care dear, I am really scared, call me when you reach home.. Bye call me..”  Poly got down from the train shouting.
Mithra laughed at her friend’s silliness and waved a good bye. As looked around the train the truth started to sink in, the compartment was empty except for herself and the lady in the corner, she was terrified. Lines of perspiration started to flow down her neck and back, she looked at her mobile, shoot, no charge. It will switch off any moment now.
Just two more stations and she would be safe. But life is not so predictable, to add fuel to her pain, a drunken guy got into the compartment and started to trouble her, she tried hard to shoo him away, but when he started to touch her, she lost control and looked for help to the lady. The lady answered her silent prayer and shouted him to leave. When the man saw the well build lady, he decided to better leave them and got down. Mithra thanked the lady, and invited her to sit next to her, she was relieved and relied on this women entirely.
The train was nearing her station, and she looked at the approaching tunnel, she was scared again, the light would be switched off for few seconds before the tunnel. She rummaged her bag, as she saw this lady smile mysteriously at her, her search became more furious, everything inside that big hand bag was turned upside down until she found it, and as the train entered the tunnel Mithra cautiously took out a sharp object, that gleamed in the flickering light!

PS: My first attempt on thriller, please let me know the feedback..!


  1. Oh my god!! What a twist.Very nicely written and gripping story.

  2. What a twist in the end...It's a great piece...Keep penning down more...

  3. As always, wonderfully jotted down .. :-)

  4. The twist was totally unexpected. Your narration is interesting. Very nice.

  5. never expected it to end like this, nicely worded Krishnapriya

  6. Dear KP mashe,

    Lovely delivery of a thriller...Bravo !!! Enjoyed it...short, sweet and delightful...the dialogue delivery was also good. Just do a wee bit of editing, ok?

    Well done!
    Njan allathe pinne aaru Arjun :)))

    ps. I was hoping that Mithu would get out at the next station, kill Poly in some lonely lane on her way home...true friends that they are...:)))

  7. Excellent. I love how you start down the typical path, "when he stalks you." and the story picked up steam... Just as the train leaves the station. Keep writing.

  8. Attempt worth of appreciation dear:-)So you rock in thriller too with a wonderful ending! Do you remember I have told you once to try new mew writing sides? I am really happy to see this...keep going my dear you!

  9. Nice read. The conversations in the writing help the reader connect to it with ease. The twist- is very good, didn't see it coming :). But, it is too sudden and there is no background for the reader to relate to the ending. But wonderful attempt. :D

  10. Very well written, easily understandable words :)
    sama TWIST :) i ve a lame request, if you are about to write a story in future, for sure you will write, if you have any boy character, try ti use my name :P :P :P Thanks in advance :)

  11. Hey partha – Wow you are the first! :) Feel elated that you! Are impressed by my scribblings, glad to hear that from you.. :)

    @ Saru – Thanks dear.. of-course with ur good support..!

    @ Zeba – Oh.. thanks for the visit and liking the post.. means a lot to me!

    @ Aakash – as always, thanks a million.. he he

    @ Ashwini – Thanks dear..

  12. Hey SS – Thanks.. hope it was not a giveaway..

    @ Hari Sir – It was my first attempt on thriller with a twist.. very happy to get positive observation from you..!

    @ Rekha – thanks for the first visit and glad u liked it!

    @ Sujatha – Never expected? Really? Wow thanks..

    Hello Mashe – Ya I knw.. the problem is that the moment I type and read ones, I get all hyper and post it, will not repeat it.. if a second part is written then that would be to finish off Poly and the drunken guy.. but lets just wait for 3rd of next month shall we?

  13. Hiii MJ – ya.. that is how many of the thriller genre works rite.. :) this was my first attempt, hope I will get better soon..:)

    @ Nasnin – hi dear.. Of course I remember.. aren’t u the one that encouraged me from the beginning.. happy to have befriended you.. have a nice day!!

    @ Sameera – Ya, I know it was a bit sudden.. however there were some hints thrown in the mid, like mithu suggesting y not the killer be women etc.. Got ur point though.. would definitely remember the next time I write..

    @ Deepak – Hey thanks for the visit.. Of course I would, probably in the next one itself.. happy?

  14. @KP :) yeah happy o happy :P :P Thankss...... :D

  15. Nice...........! Visit my blog and leave your valuable comment and feedback friend...........! :) :) :)

  16. Hey KP, Nice narration and Good attempt. Looking forward to more intense and thrilling piece. :) You plant unexpected twists in your stories. The previous one, i read was simply amazing, still remember every word of it.. ;)

  17. Hey Blue Lotus - thanks dear..

    Oh Deepak - its decided :D

    @ Rasheed - Sure I will!

    @ Shesha - Wow.. he he (I am smiling from end to end now..u made my DAY na MONTH!! :)

  18. wow, i liked it.. this is exactly the kind of read i fancy ... :) ... i hope i dnt sound lyk a psycho.. but truly awesome.. loved the narrative and flow, your style of writing kept me enthused to the every end, and it was easy to imagine the entire scenario.. keep em coming :)

  19. ohhh awesome! A very good attempt i must say..was fast and edgy till the last line..u should try it more often :)


  20. Whooa!
    The killer is just playing the game, pretending.
    Beautiful, the last line was the best, when the plot revealed.

    Blasphemous Aesthete

  21. I really enjoyed the buildup...very well done! Keep the thrillers coming :)

  22. Never expect end would be like this. no doubt. you are best story teller dear :-) ...

  23. Hi Meena - thank ya! na.. i don't think so.. we all love such genre its a common taste... your stories are wonderful too..

    @ Sarah - I guess I would.. thanks dear..

    @ Blasphemous Aesthete - that is what i wanted to bring out.. her own solitary view of glorifying herself.. thanks a lot

    @ Siddhartha - Aw.. I am very happy to hear that from you.. thanks..!

    @ Little heart - Hey! you are amazing.. thanks yaar.. let me see if I can keep up the work!

  24. KP, your thriller story is soo exciting... The plot and the narration is too good. Didn't expect that ending!! Keep writing :)

  25. Superb....Liked your style of narration.

    Thats what you call a thriller!!!!


  26. Dear I would advice you a sequel to ths 1...Niceli written had me glued till the end..:)

  27. Hey Anand - Was it really unexpected? thanks then.. I guess I am improving.. he he

    Hi Arjun MS - Its Mutual... ur writings are amazing too.. but a bit lazy I guess.. :) thanks for the comment..

    Hey Perfect One! Sequel Hmm.. I guess we can think abt it.. thanks a lot dear...

  28. Ok, I beg to differ.
    The plot's been left hanging, according to me....
    there is no certainty in the last line that she is the murderer, it could well be defense....
    or did i miss something?