My Awkward moments.. - Part 2

After lot of thoughts I got yet another moment where I felt different..


Mourning!
Death is a very sad event, but Philosophically speaking is it not the exit from one knowing into the unknown world.. just like birth.. and according to Gita, if a man has lead a righteous life (that is karma..) then death makes us closer to the supreme power!


In a funeral, when I look at the dead person, and feel at peace just like looking at a sleeping child.
They (the dead) at that moment know what I don't now.. Some how they are superior to us, no matter how they led their life. Any way, back to where I left.. I don't know how to react.. no no what I am saying is that.. I don't know how to react when some one smiles at me in such a place, I try to smile.. but still look sad and end up with a funny reaction.. like a upward frown or a lopsided smile... :)

Courtesy: Google search

Last time, when in my native I helplessly was made to attend one.... of a very old man. He had lived his life to the fullest and died. That was evident from his sons and daughter who were still mourning, the whole house was sad. I didn't know many people so I sat silently in a corner looking at others. Just then I was stunned to hear my mothers name being called out loud and a lady beside me... She was my mother's friend and had apparently forgotten my name, so called out my mother's name and was chit chatting with me in the middle of the house. She said I was looking much like my dad excepting my eyes, they are like mom's.. (What am I? harry potter!)


She indeed was genuinely pouring affection to her friends kid, I loved her too.. a very nice aunt!. But she forgot one thing the place.. I.. well.. couldn't react.. cause only thing in my mind was the place! I felt awkward...




This some how reminds me of a folk song kind of story my grand pa used to tell me, an event in a mourning house..


2 women walk into a house, where the husband had died.. on the way near the entrance, they see fully ripe bitter-gourd in the vine spread over the gate.. As many might know, "Oppari" is a funeral elegy.. where in sad words are expressed in a slow song kind of manner..


Women 1: "Panthalileee pavaikaa.." (I saw bitter-gourd in the entranceeeee....)
Women 2: "Pogumpo parikalam.." (We will takeeee, on our way homeeee)
Wife of the deceased:  "Vithukkalo vitirukku" (Left it for the seed.. pleaseee don't pluck it..)

Pain killer

When I hold on to you

I feel hope.. that my pain will be gone..

When I touch you

My fingers feel cold.. Mingled with hope

When I feel you in me
I feel relieved off the pain

The throbbing and agonizing pain..

Little did I know that

you can soothe me only for the time being

and the pain would crawl up again and engulf me

Little did I know that

It is not the physical agony but

Something else that weighs me down

Little did I know that
the remedy is in me..

But unknown I walk and walk

Seeing remedy outside me..

How silly of me to wander

Looking for some thing that I already posses

The eternal cure of Self realization..!

My Awkward moments.. - Part 1

The Elevator..


Not Listening!!!!



Ah! the elevator.. the magic passage to bypass the steps and sweat.. See.. as I said its magic.. Is that why people act weird inside them??

Me and my friend were speaking merrily waiting for the elevator, as we stepped in.. she stopped and stared ahead.. as we got down.. she proceeded from where we stopped.. I wondered why? and lost the conversation.. still I didnt get why!

People never look at the person next to them, even if they are acquainted.. I saw my colleague and smiled.. he gave me a meek smile.. I thought he didn’t recognize me.. or was it the elevator syndrome..?

Also another rule is never speak.. even if you do speak.. do it in hushed tone.. As human being we are not worried to bother others with out decibel in house or road or office or worst case even in temple.. But not in elevator.. we shouldn’t do that

There are 3 hot spots.. to look at..

• Staring at the top.. and craning your neck to see the numbers and arrow.. and enjoy the moments of ecstasy that we are near the destination
• Stare at the bottom.. the shoes..! keep staring at every ones shoes..
• Or harmlessly at the button you pressed.. I guess the more we stare the faster it moves..

I get embarrassed every day encountering these moments! Why cant we be normal? And when I did try to act normal, I received a lot of weird glances irrespectively from many.. and some fish hook eye brow glances too.. (which I had seen only in movies..)

So I am learning and I TRY to act like I am working in NASA and ready to launch the rocket.. :)

Despair

Life takes me as it desires.. like a wild river..

Striking me in the wild stones..

Throwing me down out of the blue..

Raising me gradually that I miss to taste success until I fall down again

Then, I am left with pain to endure and not the past success to reminisce

People say we were born alone and die alone but we don’t live alone..

Every one needs some one to hold on to like an anchorage

I needed you…. to let me be still momentarily and enjoy

I wanted you to hold my hands and say that you are here and

walk with me through those hard times

Was that so much to ask?

Why didn’t you come then…

Don’t name it affection.. the meaning is lost..

Don’t call it friendship.. as I seek you only in pain..

Don’t call it lust.. the purity is lost..

Don’t call it infatuation..I never wanted u just for myself..

Nor am I jealous when you are with others..

Does it need to be defined.. Don’t we know what it is..

Are you clueless still, then

Call it a selfish desire of a girl to hold on to you when in pain

I try to reach you… to melt down in your hands

Still you never come for me..

Are all my restless longing.. going off worthless

Why is that I find myself alone in the turbulence of life..

Do you want me to resolve it myself?

Why don’t you come to me God with just a ray of hope?

So that I would desire to live a little longer..

Rather than carry on like holding a heavy animal carcass on my back?

Agony Aunt

Short Story-

If Agony Aunt means the one who solve others problems then this is not true about mine… I may have to rephrase it. My Aunt, my father’s sister was a small, fragile and lean old lady in appearance, any one seeing her for the first time, may ask me “This small lady is the agony aunt..? I would say without beat of a second that she is indeed and is capable of many things…

Courtesy: Google-Draper painting

My school vacations were always spent at my native, the calm nostalgic village in the outskirts of Trivandrum, I spent the entire time in there in 2 parts, one with my dad’s kin and the other with my mom’s folks.. I enjoyed my time in both these places, partly because of the popularity and weight-age I gain because, I was the only kid in my family growing up in a big city! And partly because of the other kids of my age… they were bored with each other and my company was a treat to them.. I liked to bask myself the best in this lime light showered.. little did I know that “distance breeds familiarity and longing”, and these kinds would get bored of me also if I stayed more.

The only place that was boring was my aunt’s, her children were grown up and well settled in Dubai. So, it was me, her, my uncle and the 2 dogs in the big house. After few boring days, I found a new entertainment for myself, accompanying my aunty throughout her errands. Where ever she went I went with her. She was more than happy to show-off her brothers daughter, the pretty little girl, Oh I am not swaggering here that was how she called me.

Thousand words..

I am not inclined towards photography as such and not good at it either..! But picture of the little girl, I took in the outskirts of Andhra, just for the sake of ... well I am not sure why! But her eyes spoke thousand words in the silence of her lips... was the eyes innocent? happy? amused? or scared? at seeing me a complete stranger  click the snap..

Lingering from the past...

Short Story -  
I knew him the moment I saw him…We were just remotely associated in the past.. I knew him from my school... he was my senior, and we might have spoken a couple of times. But I remembered him for his historic love affair with his class mate while at school, we all loved them... they were cute pair but it seems by the end of 12th std, something messy occurred. I wouldn’t want to go into the details, let me just say that they did something that shouldn’t have been done at that age, and somehow her parents knew and took her to their native, there she ended her life in a rope... The whole school mourned for her death... he didn’t come to school after that, I heard that he was however given permission to write the exams, since he was a bright student and the big hope for a state rank.

Courtesy: Google search

But nothing happened he just wrote the exam and marginally passed. I saw him once after that incident my heart sank... he looked terrible. From those eyes I knew that no one would have loved a girl like he did... and they had been together… my friend said that a guy would never forget the first romantic encounter in his life... I said even a girl does not, she didn’t get it. She stressed on “a guy” so much... and I didn’t want to get into details... such talks freaked me out in the past... Well I was silly..!

The 24 frames

24 Frames, is a show in a Desi television channel Indiavision, where in (according to the channel website) they give light into world classic films.. This week by a mere accident I stumbled upon this programme and on that day, it was about the film Bab'Aziz: The Prince Who Contemplated His Soul).

Courtesy: Google

 It was about a blind dervish's journey to a Sufi gathering accompanied by his granddaughter the small child Ishtar.. The kid is bored and so he entertains and thereby enlightens her and the audience about a prince who contemplated his soul.. The film was complex yet narrated in a simple way and still manages to impart wisdom.. I was totally impressed, by just viewing the one hour program about it.. (2 days show)

Towards the end the dervish, would want a young lad Hassan to be witness of the matrimony with eternity or in simple words, death from the mortal world.. and the lad says that he was scared of death.. Baba says, 

“If the baby in the darkness of its mother’s womb were told: ‘Outside there’s a world of light, with high mountains, great seas, undulating plains, beautiful gardens in blossom, brooks, a sky full of stars, and a blazing sun, and you, facing all these marvels, stay enclosed in this darkness,’ the unborn child, knowing nothing about these marvels, wouldn’t believe any of it. Like us, when we’re facing death. That’s why we’re afraid.”

That made me contemplate the fact that on one remembers where we were before birth.. no memories existed of our life in the womb.. was that also death and birth? the cycle? were we scared at the moment of being born in this world..? just the way we are scared of moving away from his world?? Wow! life indeed is interesting. This was the gist of the Baba's words too.. what I meant by contemplating was that I chewed on to every bit of it.. and let it sink in on me.. 

Courtesy: Google

Another statement that inspired me.. 

"The people of this world are like the three butterflies
in front of a candle's flame.

The first one went closer and said:
I know about love.

The second one touched the flame
lightly with his wings and said:
I know how Love's fire can burn.

The third one threw himself into the heart of the flame
and was consumed. He alone knows what true love is."

what more can be said??

Not today!

Short Story - Drama
 

It was a tiresome to wake up with the morning sickness. But she had a reason today, the pregnancy test strip that she used yesterday, lay in the corner of the room it was positive.. she was excited... within 3 hours her husband would be home. She wanted to see how he reacted... she remembered his captivating smile.. like a lightning in the sky.. appearing within a fraction of time and flickering away soon, but the brightness and the impact it created on her was incomparable, and mystifying that she would keep staring at him, unable to help but fall in love with him again and again..

Courtesy Google

However a small pain lingered.. she remembered the last time, they were excited.. happy, he sat down, got up walked around the room, then smiled, and when the truth sink ed in, he kissed her and her soft tummy.. by the time they reached the hospital, they had named their first born.. be it a girl or a boy.. then the doctor said that the blood and the urine tests were negative. That was not possible, she checked at home, the strips are not always 100% true, was the doctor's sympathetic reply.. The child never existed in her womb even before they visited the hospital... but the moment they left, some thing died in them, with lots of pain they came back to life..

Last pages of the diary...

I sit down to write every night, and write.. after few moments I see that the only key had been used again and again. is the backspace.. How easily am I able to create and delete my virtual presence.. and yet how hard is it to live incapable of deleting or re-doing the real existence... A lot remain tangled in my head.. a lot of ideas.. stories.. thoughts..  nothing comes out as a single straw.. that I can pull out proudly and show case to others, I find myself dumb.. sitting in front of my screen staring at it.. My brain is as lazy as my body and make my thoughts as clumsy and muddy as possible...or may be I am not that good in expressing or juggling with words..

Courtesy: Google search

Still the urge remains, the need to write and vent out..  somebody asked me once, how I wanted to live? I said... like the last pages of the diary..


Those pages that we fill in just for the sake of filling, those pages that no one bothers to disturb.. those pages that are caught in between the windmill of life.... struggling to free itself from the diary to fly away carelessly, aimlessly in the wind, swaying to and fro, still undisturbed by the gust and force of the wind..dancing to every music of life and finally falling down majestically with the same brightness and rest in peace..


I know that my words contradict themselves, however that remains to be true, I am confused.. what am I? As I sit down to update my profile, I question myself What am I? how to explain myself with.. leave-off few.. even with a single word.. weird.. mysterious.. different..?? Some body once called me deluded.. The deluded girl.. I would rather say.. one who foolishly deluded herself into believing the unsaid and unheard..?? well.. Who knows and Who cares...