Is it me? Is it something in me? That makes me doubt the fundamentals of my learning? Because I seem to have lost it.. my ability to track time and events.. I forgot the blog anniversary.. I forgot to read.. I forgot to write..
When this thought dawned in me, I ran and rummaged my diary. There was nothing.. so, eventually after forgetting to read and write I seem to have forgotten to think too.. or did I? At first it felt like being drained off… or did my interest die on me? NO I still hear the familiar voice in my head, but the character in me that wanted to express seem to have been pushed deep under, and I was filled with thoughts that remains layered with stuffs that is not me.. but that which has been me lately.
I started blogging to fill a virtual void which was caving in and compressing my heart.. the more I wrote.. the more you read.. the more it filled.. But lately even blogging seemed a burden to me, like I had to drag myself to write or read....... a numbness covered me.. and along came a laziness.. So I decided to let time tell me, if this passion of mine was just temporary, and I know it now.
My ecstasy to write always remained mine and at times I wondered if I ever cared who read it.. because from the moment that little thought enters me, when I nurture ad grow it, when I write and re-write and then finally put it out in my blog, the ecstasy remains mine but then poof it is gone.. and replaced by anxiety, which I feel that many of you might have felt too.. After that I wait with batted breath, until that very first reader .. and the very first comment.. reaches me.. and it doesn’t die at all even when the readers to the post dies..Now I know why I had to blog and not just scribble in my diary and keep it safe, because I really care..
Meaningless was life.. as it lay folded and wrapped. I watched curiously but as it unfolded, the meaning is lost.. and I start longing for the meaninglessness again so that I can dwell in the hope of unwrapping it again and again...