Saturday, January 14, 2012

No track of

Is it me? Is it something in me? That makes me doubt the fundamentals of my learning? Because I seem to have lost it.. my ability to track time and events.. I forgot the blog anniversary.. I forgot to read.. I forgot to write..
When this thought dawned in me, I ran and rummaged my diary. There was nothing.. so, eventually after forgetting to read and write I seem to have forgotten to think too.. or did I? At first it felt like being drained off… or did my interest die on me? NO I still hear the familiar voice in my head, but the character in me that wanted to express seem to have been pushed deep under, and I was filled with thoughts that remains layered with stuffs that is not me.. but that which has been me lately.

I started blogging to fill a virtual void which was caving in and compressing my heart.. the more I wrote.. the more you read.. the more it filled.. But lately even blogging seemed a burden to me, like I had to drag myself to write or read....... a numbness covered me.. and along came a laziness.. So I decided to let time tell me, if this passion of mine was just temporary, and I know it now. 

My ecstasy to write always remained mine and at times I wondered if I ever cared who read it..  because from the moment that little thought enters me, when I nurture ad grow it, when I write and re-write and then finally put it out in my blog, the ecstasy remains mine but then poof it is gone.. and replaced by anxiety, which I feel that many of you might have felt too.. After that I wait with batted breath, until that very first reader .. and the very first comment.. reaches me.. and it doesn’t die at all even when the readers to the post dies..Now I know why I had to blog and not just scribble in my diary and keep it safe, because I really care..

Meaningless was life.. as it lay folded and wrapped. I watched curiously but as it unfolded, the meaning is lost.. and I start longing for the meaninglessness again so that I can dwell in the hope of unwrapping it again and again...

21 comments:

  1. I don't know what you wish to convey.You wrap and unwrap till you find the meaning of life.But I find your blog full of verve and life.Keep writing frequently and such doubts as you have would vanish.You have readers like me looking forward to your posts

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  2. My first blog went "Blog blog blog blog blog..." seriously, But that's now deleted. I wish I had kept it anyway. :) People wouldn't probably have commented but yes, It's fun writing and see what people respond with.

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  3. You should first write for yourself as blogging is more about passion. Then, it should also keep you happy and fill you with positive vibes. I know many bloggers who don't get readers but they blog. Even if I don't get readers, I will blog. Just to keep me happy. As you said, just to scribble something in my diary as I really care to jot down my feelings...

    Welcome back!

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  4. the same is happening with me , right now
    i m reading more and writing less
    and i realised i love to read blogs, lots
    its like knowing a person.. and i guess i know you :)
    as much as your words convey..
    keep writing dear kp, no matter what ever be the comments
    Love and Take care

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  5. I don't get it.First me.And thn you.What is 2012 turning out to be?The 'year of questioning one's existence on the blogosphere'????:-P

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  6. :) We all wish to be read, if not consciously, subconsciously... however when someone who connects with us as a reader, it's satisfying and pushes up a little further to write...

    I wish I could read as much as I want to write...I struggle a lot with reading...

    Happy 2012...

    /apologies for coming back after a long time/

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  7. Hi Partha - thanks a million! :) he he! I guess I will

    Hello Kumar - Yes indeed it is! Very bad that u had to delete the blog.. do u have the posts tough? It is really fun to read our own posts!! at times.. :)

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  8. happy to see you back :) so you are alive ?
    hmmm !

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  9. Hi Saru - No dear you got me wrong here! I didnt stop blogging coz I dont have many readers.. and what exactly is the use to have hundreds to read and not any like minded ones? I stopped because I felt blank.. not any more! :)

    Hey Pygma - So sweet of u to share the feeling! :) and as u said.. blogging does get people closer! glad to have u here!!

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  10. Hi Rahul - ha ha! lets just hope that we both come back with bang!! :)

    Hello Chintan - happy to have u here after a long time.. ur comment just sums up what I meant. and Happy 2012 to u too..!! :)

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  11. He he Deepak.. I am so alive and active now! thank u and happy new year! :)

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  12. It is all about passion to write and first make yourself happy!

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    Replies
    1. Yes Indeed.. and I am trying that.. (to make myself happy) and you have helped me here! 10% with the comment!

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  13. Open a new blog site and write a blog there...knowing that no one will read it...look at that unread/unknown piece every day...at times, I look at it as if I am looking at my own life...who knows...maybe only one or two people read it...maybe they will understand, maybe they won't...

    Now, what am I writing? :))))))) I guess the reason for blogging...:))))))

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    1. Yes mashe.. and it surely makes us happy when they understand and when they dont.. hmm.. should we really care? ;)

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  14. You have expressed it well. Everyone passes through this phase.
    I have been missing your short stories for the past couple of months.

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    1. Oh thanks Hariji.. and I have been missing your comments here! :)

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  15. Dear KP,

    I can really identify with your feelings which you have scribbled here! And I adore your openness! Nothing to say more....because my feel is greater than words....I just want to say....keep writing dear....we want to read:)

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    1. Dearest Nasnin.. this is what I meant.. when people understand it really means a lot..! But I kind of take you for granted.. coz you understand my words more than myself! :)

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  16. This phase comes in every bloggers life maybe. You just get switched off. But, reading you is a pleasure KP. You bring out that freshness everytime!

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  17. Thanks a lot dear Sahana.. those words means a lot to me!

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