My relation with faith and God have always been like the one with a lover.. when I acknowledge and believe in it, I take it in fully into my heart.. everything happening around and within me seem to be the work of that wonderful hand.. Although deep some where I know mind hears and sees what it wants to..! Life seems blissfully blessed then.. But sooner even when I do not want, crawls in the doubt like a cold slithering snake showing how stupidly or conveniently I was and being deceived, turning my disappointment into anger and faith into hatred.. but there is always a stage of doubtfulness, like a cat I sit on the wall of life unsure what side to fall of, on such times my visit to temple remains a mere visit of picnic.
I visited Chidambaram Sri Natraj temple lately when my faith remained in the uncertain wall, previously I would panic in such condition and pretend to be in faith, pretend to pray, but then now, some how I remained indifferent and walked on looking at the biggest man made wonder I had ever seen.. Some how on the first step inside the temple fascination striked me.. there was some thing rich and royal in the air, the sky and place.. I wantedly ignored the fact that Lord Shiva resides in the place as sky.. (There are 4 more temples in Tamil Nadu where he is represented as water, fire, earth and sky the five elements).
There was a change in me, I was at awe with the place.. although history fascinates me, this was the first time I wondered what it might have been to walk around this temple as a royal queen.. I walked around the temple covered in acres of land, protected by big stone walls, the pavement was burning under my bare legs, for the sun was yet to retire for the day. People moved to the shades fearing the heat and I walked around the temple alone marvelling the work of those exceptional talents of those years.. when technology and engines were a alien words..
As I walked looking at the people moving towards shade, I felt like a royal princess and those my subjects moving away at me, I did not smile inwardly at my stupidness for I was royal.. I walked like being possessed I walked like the place belonged to me.. Blame my sun sign or the innate trait in me inhabited from my grand father.. but I experienced it on that day for the first time in my life.. I felt blissfully royal standing on the land of Lord..
I went on blasphemous for few more minutes until I entered the sanctum where I faced reality, the place was rich with Godliness and was a tribute to Bharathanatyam.. the Lord is there in his ananda tandavam (happy dancing pose) and said to have danced in there long time ago.. there was also a statue of rudra tandavam (the angry dance) pose where the Lord while dancing has lifted is one leg to fetch the fallen ear ring from the ground and to place it on the other side ear.. the statue was a wonder and I could imagine him dancing with furious anger and my body reacted to this Divine imagination of mine with goosebumps..
Inside the temple, I was one among many others, sweating and panting to see the idol at least once.. and I saw the statue of Lord Natraj in his dancing pose.. elbowing my way among the restless crowd and somehow the feeling of being great and royal left me.. I was too small here.. literally too.. for I had to jump once or twice to even get a glimpse and I know that the doubtfulness in my mind is being replaced by faith deliberately and slowly.. for nothing changes the age old habits in me.. being in faith means being at peace to me.. but how long.. I am not sure..!