If only..

{Fiction}

Often she would wonder why they drifted apart.. they were perfect for each other still they are at two different corners of life.. alone.. Rarely when the pain seems unbearable, she would sit in her bed or lay tossing or turning around trying to rewind her memory, she visualized the past, and felt a peculiar completeness when she lived those days again in her mind.. The first memory that she tries hard to get was his face with its boyish innocence and struggle, wondering what brought them together. They were two silent people in their adolescence, but they were friends then and nothing more. They talked and talked he about his life and she about her music. It was life to her and he loved the passion with which she spoke about it to him and so they were inseparable friends or so they thought. 

But soon they wandered off, to seek their own end of life, and at that time, the pain of missing each other just looked like the pure agony of friendship. They did not realise it then, and tossing in her bed, now she naively imagined what would have happened if only they realized it then.. and that made her heart ache more.

It took them several years to meet again, the purity of innocence wearied off them and they were adults. But she remained the same inside, the same innocent little girl, but experiencing the bliss of life, made him different and so unlike the innocent youth she adored.

She remembered the day she met him again, in the end of a concert, in which she was lucky enough to play her violin, she was one among the ten musicians who played in sync that night, but to her it was her stage, and her night. She was in the complete ecstatic moment when she met him, her delight got transmitted into him, and his eyes shone mysteriously with a powerful gleam. They met often, so very often that they felt like they lived together. He would always start his conversation with music, and she would be thrilled that she would go on and on about it, he would sit still watching her, with a amused admiration, wondering if she would feel the same way about him too.

He never tried to conquer her physically and she never thought of it, but he spoke to her about the number of women or girls he has been with and she listened in silence. She would believe anything he told her, and he had a good eye for imagination.

At times he would moodily blabber,

“you know you amuse me..you are not like other girls”

“Why?” her curiosity aroused

“I feel like you are there.. deep.. Inside your body, and I am gradually drawing you out..”

She would muse about it and  know that he is true, and wondered how he alone could do it.

She never imagined things unless he gave her an account of it, be it life, love or sex. To her he was an booklet and she drank from him, with no hesitation or blush she would stare at him wide eyed taking in everything he said and consecutively wondering how, that which he said would please someone, to her it looked gross and painful. He felt like a hero then, the amused look in her eyes would arouse him and he would continue talking to her consecutively imagining her with him.

She would ask sometimes..

“Drawing me out? Like?”

“I feel like I am delicately removing dried leaves one after the other cautiously because I know that there is something that belong to me underneath and I should be careful. Then finally there you lay bare waiting for me.. and then I would.. lift you gently cover you with my warmth and..”

She would shift uneasily and say “see a rainbow.. I wonder when it rained..!”

He would stare at her for few minutes and look away reproachfully, but soon her uneasiness would wear off and she would yearn for him to continue, but the moment would have been long gone then.

When he looked at her, she would see a war in his eyes, craving for an approving gesture in her, wondering what she would do if he made his move then. But how much ever harder she tried she could only stare back plainly at him.. He would stay silent with pain or call her by names “bitch! Liar!” and walk off.

Other times, he would ask her, what she would do if he lay down in her lap, she would say that “I will pat your face, make you sleep, play with your hands,  caress your hair.. and stroke them gently”. She could sense the impatience in him and soon those hateful words would come out. Never in those situations did he know that she only thought of those, and she couldn’t think of anything more.. or she did not know anything more.

Then painfully she would remember the last few days of their life together and the conversations. It pained her to think of those days, but nevertheless she would sit beneath her bed cross legged thinking..

“Why do you behave all, virtuous with me?” he shouted. She did not reply, but looked helplessly down at the ground.

“Tell me, don’t you want me? I know you do, as much as I want you.. but still you act.. don’t you want to hold my hands.. don’t you want my lips on yours don’t you?

She sat wondering, she did not know if she wanted him that way, she had never imagined it so.. Her silence made him furious, “you are fake..! bitch.. you act around like you are different.. but you are just fake.. and that is why no one likes you! You don’t let any one near you because you are scared that they will see-through you..”

And so he walked away from her life.. and she would sleep after those restless nights of wondering.. like she got to know the answer after all.

But then they met again, this time her life had gone through a series of fluctuations, she had been married and widowed. But her eyes remained the same, and the way she looked at him remained the same. He sat in the coffee shop hands on his head looking at her..

“Were you ever happy with .. him?”

She looked down at the coffee which was cooling down but answered..

“No.. it was a pain.. everything.. everything was a pain..”

“Do you think it would be the same with me?

“I don’t know.. I am sacred to reach the end of road with you and what if, I feel the same way with you?.. what if you feel so with me? I am scared.. ”

He knew her and understood her, he wanted her. He wanted to make her happy but did not know how.. And that injured him, they remained silent.. wondering why it never worked out between them..

{Fiction}

Mirage

{Fiction}

Whatever I saw seemed to be experienced by me alone, or as they said imagined by me. They, my strict relatives consisting of many uncles and aunties headed by my grandfather considered me half witted or crazy or even possessed. They even brought in priests to exorcise me. If it was not for my father I would not have survived my childhood at all, but he also couldn’t help much..  he was brought up to respect and accept them and not question back.. But he believed me or so I thought,  when I told about seeing mother every day, he would smile and say he saw her too.. although she died long ago..  that made me happy but then he would add that when we love someone so much we tend to think they are with us, when I stressed that I spoke to her every night, he gave me a heavy and sad smile. I was not sure if he believed me, but at least he did not look at me like a strange creature like others.. and that was enough for me.

But when he went to Mumbai to carry on with business, I knew that he was escaping from them, he wanted to take me too. But grand father wouldn’t accept.. the old man seemed to see though his sons plan. So it was decided to let me stay in my ancestral house until my school days are over or until grandpa passes away whichever occurred earliest, and then move to Mumbai with dad. I prayed every night to become 18 soon, but at times I prayed for my grand father to trip and fall, on such nights I would sleep guilty.  Kids of my generation were scared of me and avoided me as and when possible. Soon I got acquainted with this loneliness and started making so much out of it.. 

I wandered aimlessly in my grandfathers plantations. But always met at least one of the workers there and was shooed home.  But soon I found my niche in the isolated family temple located on the far corner of the plantation. The temple had a strong legend and people still feared to go near it on mid days and night. The only time the family gathered around the temple was once in a year and then the temple was opened and cleaned and prayed. Other times it remained closed and uncared rendering it a kind of mystic feel. That was where I crashed almost all of the weekends and holidays. 

The temple was surrounded my many jasmine vines and tall neam, banyan and coconut trees, and thorny bushes of some unnamed cactus and pineapple. The fruits, coconuts and flowers that blossomed and ripened there was considered to be the deities and never touched. Because of the fear of Grandfather no thief dared to cross the path either. There was a rock facing the temple where I would sit wondering something or the other. The stream of little pond that glided nearby gave the place a Eden like feel, and when the wind blew the place was enriched with the smell of jasmines. Even sunlight seem to be in love with the place giving it an enchanted glow.

But nature was not the thing that pulled me there, it was the legend of the place. The deity there was not the usual God, it was an angel (gandarvan) punished by God, doing his penance there, but instead of involving himself in godly duties, he found himself fall in love with a damsel in the nearby house. (A great great great ancestor of my family). Back in those times, love was true enough to shake the faith of even angels. So they decided to live happily in the world, but a cunning man in the family itself recognized the real identity of the angel and entrapped him in a statue and threatened to kill his lover. So being in love the angel obeyed and stayed in the statue and every full mooned night the lovers meet in the mystic forest.

My rational mind failed to believe it fully but the other part of me was enthralled by the love. I empathized with them and at times when I sat staring at the temple, imagined myself as the lover girl and waited for him to come to me. At those times, I did not bother the wind or even my own hand trespassing improperly. At times I felt uneasy like being watched by someone, and would run home as soon as possible. On a full moon evening is when I first met him, the receding sunlight and the looming full moon both played around the place making the stream sparkle like gold, then a figure “him” walked towards me from the temple guided by the light, he sat near me and smiled, he was a boy in his early twenties, with long hair, sandal wood paste in his forehead, sacred thread around his fair bare chest, he wore only a white dhoti and smelled of sandal. I was in a kind of trance and got up we stood facing each other, he smiling and me dazed. His hands clasped my face and he spoke of waiting for a long time for me and when he was about to kiss, I panicked and ran away.

  Nothing he said or did made my doubt go away, for there was something intense in him, when he came near me, when he touched me and there was a look of fierce passion in him that never was there in the eyes of people I met. His passion at times got diffused into the forest too.  That day, when his kissing became intense and our breathing shorter I became strangely conscious of the nature and its intensity. The trees shook like they were being rocked to and fro by strong giant hands, the wind gushed brutally in my ears, even the stream flew violently. When the spirited passion got carried back to him, I saw in his eyes the passion and calmness, he looked at me like I belonged to him, I surrendered for the first time in my life to my love, till then I was unaware of the ecstasy of complete surrender to love and never will I ever be.

Next day when I went back to see him, although being aware of the previous night’s storm my heart sank seeing the state of my charmed forest tore down, and below the trunk of the neam tree I found his open hand, moving the truck away I spotted his face, it was the same, unhurt but lifeless. The coldness in the eyes attacked me like a poisoned dagger. I blamed the nature, I cursed god for taking him away from me. I walked back home silently, and next day as I imagined there was no sign of him there and I resented going there anymore. I blamed my eccentric mind for mourning something that never existed. I accepted what others said, it was all in my mind I found them unusually kind towards me, as they helped into the train to Mumbai.  After all its easy to blame oneself and the nature than the cold blooded brutal human for separating him from me.

Meera..

I grew up hearing the stories about Meera Bai, the one women who took devotion to the next level of blissful love. Her love and passion towards Lord Krishna has always fascinated me.. and also the thought of her always created a sadness in me..! Was her prayer answered? i wondered..

But this is not about her... this is about my Meera.. (who obviously got created in my head...) do read on and provide your feed backs...  I really value them!! 

The day started very late for me... I woke up and looked at the clock it was 8.. I needed to be in office by 9 30 minimum.. My mind kept debating for and against going to office on this Saturday... finally I voted against office.. I wanted to take a day’s off... I would sleep and watch TV I decided. My son Ameer came running into the room, he was wearing his uniform and sock in one leg, the other one was missing. He jumped on me and sat in my legs, "Dad... mom said you will drop me to school today, remember my ice cream which u promised yesterday.. I want it today.." He was jumping up and down... 

I lifted him with my legs and swayed to and fro he giggled... I took him and walked towards the kitchen, “Mom would drop you today dear..? I have so much work in office...". "No dad no... I want to come in car I want to come with you.." he started to cry.. I took him in my hand and went to the kitchen; my wife Razia was busy... I saw the bread being toasted again... "Oh no not today also!" I told to my self... she looked up from her breakfast of bread toast and omelets and smiled... that was the only affectionate gesture I got from her in the past few months... This is the problem marrying a carrier oriented women... first she wanted to become a good lawyer and practice in high court ad now she wants to become famous like her father the retired district attorney... but I wont blame her.. there was no spark or love between us and we both knew it...

She looked tired and weary.. I asked, "You were up till mid night yesterday too..! I saw the lights in the hall..??" "Yes dear..! Today is the hearing of that murder case I took you last week about I was preparing for that..." "What murder case?” I wondered she never told me.... She continued without waiting for any reactions from me, "I need to be at the court a little early today, so u take the kid to the school and get him back by noon, its a holiday for you today right?" That was her sarcastic reply.. I looked at her, before I could reply she planted a kiss in Ameer’s cheeks and saying bye bye she left...

My plan to stay at home has been officially ruined now. But looking at Ameer's expecting and eager eyes I couldn’t say anything else... so after 15 minutes me and my son were driving to his school. It was the same school I studied, the education was good over there... I parked the car and dropped him in front of the gate.. He hesitated for a moment, then came back and said... "Dad don’t forget the ice cream". "Ameer bai.. Its a Deal" I replied... he ran inside happily.. I thought I would wait in the nearby park till his classes were completed, and there I Met Satish... my college mate after 8 yrs..We went to a nearby juice shop and sat there.. old age has started crawling slowly and his face showed the symptoms, he has few grey strands too.. He told me about his family..his wife and two kids.. his elder child is studying in the same school as my son and invited me to his house for the naming ceremony of his younger child.

I became jealous of him, his happiness and his family but I smiled and said that I would join but I had no slightest idea of going. The next 3 hrs went by happily. We spoke about our college days and teachers.. he seem to know a lot about any name I say.. what they do.. where they are.. married or not.. and so on. I had one name in my mind. But I couldn’t gather myself to ask him about her. The bell from the school announced us that the classes were finished. I took my son and gave a chocolate to Sathish's daughter and after I had fastened the seat belt for my son I went to the drivers side and waved at Satish. He waved back and said, "Hey don’t forget to come to my house next Sunday... and hey.. by the way... Meera is also coming...Remember her?" He winked and went with his child.

Mere mention of her name created many emotions in me. I sat in the ice cream parlor opposite to my son. He was munching his Chocó crunch with so much happiness. I closed my eyes, with in half a second her face filled my heart... Meera..my first Love..There was no big history behind Meera, she was my classmate she joined our class by the end of 2nd year, and in the whole of 2 yrs I have spoken to her very very rarely. I liked to look at her and that was what I did for the whole time. she looked better than a normal looking girl the proof is that there were 3 guys liking her, she was a fair, with curly locks moving effortlessly in her shoulders, she had black eyes and darker black eye lashes. But what attracted me the most was her big expressive eyes. One look at her eyes, I could tell what she feels... When compared to the other two guys in the class, I was the one with no hope, the other guys were her friends. But in 2yrs not even once I could gather my strength and ask her out or at least ask her to be my friend. But some times I get this feeling that her looks lingered around me at least for a fraction of sec or more.

Now, after this many years, I still felt the same way about her, I am confused, should I go to the function, what if she had forgotten me, or that she wouldn’t even recognize me, she might even be married. Some how the thought of seeing her married made me feel irritated, though I had no rights to feel bad...But what is the deal.. I am married now.. there is no hope.. and me hoping is a sin!!!

I thought a lot and finally I decided to go, at least to just see her . I dressed up and started to leave when Razia called out, "Hey Ish where are you going? I thought we would go out today and do some shopping!". I felt sudden pang of guilt in me.. I couldn’t look at her eyes.. I gathered my strength and looked up, "I am going out for official work Razia, will be back by 10" and walked off, she looked at me innocently and waved good bye.

By the time I reached his house the guilt was completely gone, it was just the excitement in seeing her stayed back in my heart. His house was sparkling with lights, and before entering the house in the mid of the lights I saw her, Meera.. she was she was wearing a blue sari and looked more stunning than at college. I felt the adrenalin rush in me. All of a sudden she turned around and her eyes met mine, we stayed there looking at each other for more than required. I saw a twinkle in her eyes and excitement as if she was longing to see me, or did I imagine it? before I could think more, she smiled at me and went inside. The ceremony went very well. I never got a chance to even see her again, all my friends were around me chatting busily about their high profile jobs, life and life styles have changed people I guess, I was irritated, partly by their show off and partly because I couldn’t talk to her or even see her.

I was about to start, when Nisha my friend came up and asked for a lift, along with her came Meera too. I dropped Nisha first and there was 15 minutes for me, with Meera. I felt like the same old college boy, all the feeling came rushing in me and suddenly I felt that words have deceived me, I said, "Hey... huh.. Meera, back then at class I had a great crush on you!" . I blundered even before I thought about it. She glanced at me and said, "I know". Till now I was in an assumption that she never knew. But she did, she knew it, yet never reacted even once. I looked bewildered at her and she smiled at me, I smiled back and the smile turned to be a laughter. We laughed hard. That was a wonderful 15 minutes I ever had. After that day, we ran up into each other many times at park, super market etc. A different kind of friendship started developing between us. I always knew that it was bad, but I never stopped seeing her again. But I wanted to know, just like a kid, I wanted to know what was in her mind about me, did she like me previously? what she felt now? .

So I asked her. She looked down for some time and looked back at me, 2 drops of tears lingered in her eye lashes. I was taken aback. She said, "I always did..! I waited for you to ask me out.. but you never did.. and now its very late.. and you are happily married.. yes you are married, what a girl am I to feel like this to a married person.. ..! she was musing to herself, and I waited for her to calm down, she spoke again, after few more seconds, "just tell me Ishaan, if u really loved me back? and what do you feel towards me now..". What followed was a confession from deep down my heart which I have not disclosed even to myself, "Meera, I liked you, more than anybody else, and in fact I like you still, probably more than that, I want to be with you, and make you the happiest girl, in the world, but unfortunately I cannot.. I am not that lucky..and even if I want to I have Aamir... understand me please.."

She gave a sheepish smile in between her tears At that moment I would have given up anything to wipe away her tears and run away with her, "But this is not a fairy tale.. its plain simple life... and it sucks.. I consoled her, we sat there silently for some time. I dropped her to her house in silence. I felt bad. There was mixed emotion erupting in me, I felt anger that I missed her in the first place, I felt sad that I hurt her this much, then there was guilt, pain, remorse and a part of me even enjoyed it, I felt happy when I am with her in spite of all this happenings.

We never met after that confession. There was an untold fear which retreated me from meeting her. One week went by with out any contacts, I tried being normal at home and office, but I felt a voidity in me, several times I took the phone to call her but I couldn’t even dial her number. I restricted myself for my heart was melting down at a faster pace towards her, and if I try to speak to her that would wipe out our life completely, so I never contacted her. I was in my office status meeting, when my phone vibrated.. I looked down.. it was Meera... that was the first time she called me after the dead silence of 5 days.. I excused myself..got up picking the phone and ran out.. my team mates might have felt that it was some emergency call... I went to the far corner of the front office, near the small water falls in the office and attended it.. "Hey Meera I am surprised..! tell me" I stammered.. She was silent for some time... "Hello! hello can u hear me Meera?" I asked again..

Finally she spoke.. later on I wished that she never would have spoke... as, that turned out to be our last conversation... "Hey Eshan.. I would like to talk to you..."

“Oh ok Meera.. do you want me to come to your office?" I quickly asked.

"No no..just.. just keep listening" she was loud and desperate...

"Oh ok.. calm down... my heart started to beat fast

"Esh.. just listen to what I am saying.. this would be the last time I am talking to you.. "

"But meera.."

"No no…you don’t speak just listen please.." she continued

"What is it going on between us? why are we like this... I am scared.. Esh.. I am scared that I am being more vulnerable with you..! I am letting you know more about me, and that.. that is not good...we are crossing our limits.. what about our future.. ? and What about your wife and Aamir.. what mistake did they do... why should they also suffer... "

"Hmm" I let out a sign.. this was the topic I knew I needed to think but couldn’t..

After a very long pause, she continued.. "This is bad and should be stopped… try to understand your wife and live happily with her…..just live me alone Esh.. just stay away from me... I.. I.. I will miss you...Bye.."

I never met her again.. As of my life, Razia suddenly woke up to the fact that her married life is slipping, and resigned her job and lived as my beloved wife and as a caring mother to Aamir... Aamir called me the best dad, we were the happy family that every one dreamed of... But I tried a lot not to think of Meera, and every time I tried..... I thought more of her and that made my heart ache...